Where Am I Going

Where am I going from here?

My voice rings out

Echoing in the night

Where do I go from here?

The mind is spinning

With unanswered questions

Where do I go from here?

Do I go left?

To certain death?

Do I go right?

And begin to write?

Do I go up?

Climbing and pushing the bar too high?

Do I go down?

Not a likely choice.

Where do I go from here?

I could go anywhere.

But do I?

Do I leave behind what I know?

Do I leave behind and don’t see how I’ve grown,

Tell me what I should do.

No, this is my choice

Where do I go from here?


Only read if 10+

So… I have the same CREEPY dream. I would think it’s creepy anyways.

Just to make sure…

Anyone who has the name in this dream, Please do not be offended… I don’t have anything against the names… these are the names that happen to be there…

This is a reoccurring nightmare I continue to have EVERY night…
*enter dream sequence sound*
So, I’m fifteen and I have a neighbor that is a college kid. She lives to the right of my house. We’re super close and her name is Jessica. She also is a biker and her road name is Yellowfang (Yes… I know. Warrior Cats)

Anyways, it’s eleven or ten when the dream starts. I’m hanging over at her house and my parents are asleep. I have my backpack that I had in third grade. It’s black with spiky things on it. Pretty dark out. It’s around twilight (not the movie…*tjeaacmbo!*)

So I’m climbing over my fence and there’s this van parked in front of her house. I have only one leg over the fence. The window rolls down and there’s this super creepy dude poking his bald head out. His eyelids are red and he’s skinny. He looks like he does every kind of drug imaginable. His name is Tyler. (I don’t know how I knew this in the dream… I just do.)

Anyways… he’s ultra-creepy. He like, beckons me over with his head and I pull my leg back and start to back towards my house. My eyes are glued and I’m shaking my head. He gets out and starts walking towards me, slowly. My backpack is over my shoulder and my door is locked. Tyler is walking closer to me, getting faster. I start to run towards my door and my backpack falls off my shoulder onto the ground.

I’m just standing there like a freaking idiot and staring at it, trying to figure out if I should pick it up or not.

During this entire thing I’m not yelling for help or anything. No… I’m silent.

So, Tyler grabs my arm and pull me towards him. His voice is super raspy and he whispers that I need to help him find his phone. He starts to pull me into his van and-

I wake up.

I’ve had this nightmare every night. Really creeped out.

I know that certain dreams can mean things in real life.
So if you know what this means, please tell me. Cause I’m scared just writing this.

Tyler haunts me whenever I’m alone. If I’m in a room alone he’s behind me whispering in my ear again and again…

Wolf Pack A traitor in the Midst!

Infinity’s POV

Infinity woke up to see her mate prodding her with his nose. He couldn’t quite get over the fact that she had mated with someone else before they became mates. She couldn’t blame him. She had loved Thing Two, only to find out he didn’t care for her.
“Yes Speckle?” She murmured.

“Otterblaze attacked Doenight again, my love.” He whispered in her ear before stalking off. It had been three moons since Alarick and Echo had died. If she could be half of the Alpha female that Echo was, she would be blessed. She jumped down from the rock that supported her den above it and walked into the nursery. Otterblaze cannoned into her. She stopped him from jumping at her daughter.

Otterblaze had come to them shortly after Echo had died. She growled at her daughter when Doenight tried to jump on Otterblaze. She couldn’t wait until Otterblaze or Doenight was out of the nursery. It would be more peaceful. She padded over to Silver who had come to the nursery soon after getting pregnant.

“Are you okay?” Infinity murmured. Silver looked at her.

“I should ask you. I’ve had pups before. You just had your first three.” Silver laughed. Tigerheart looked up and glared at her mother playfully and looked back at her youngest living spawn, Slide, as he ran around with some of the other Omegas. He had gotten his rank recently and was quite happy with it, if not happy altogether after the death of his sister. Whistle had been kidnapped by a pack and killed, they had found her dead body at the border. Slide and Tigerheart are now slowly on the mend. That just meant Tigerheart guarded her only living spawn with much more ferocity. Leopardthroat sat down between Infinity’s front paws. She looked down at her son with fondness. He was her only son that wasn’t wild. Shadepounce walked over and pushed his way between her front legs as well. Doenight came soon after him. Foxdawn barked a laugh.

“You look like you’ve got your paws full! Or legs!” Foxdawn was like an exact replica of her mother, Echo. Infinity growled at her, trying to stifle her laugh.

“Come pups. Let’s go see Speckle.” She whispered to her pups. Shadepounce shook his head.

“No thanks. I rather play with Otterblaze. Thanks though.” He said before pouncing on Otterblaze. Doenight just shook her head and walked over to Foxdawn to talk to her. Leopardthroat nodded and walked with Infinity to Speckle.

“Hey Infinity. Hello Leopardhthroat.” Speckle said, turning away for a moment from Leopardwolf. Leopardthroat walked over to Leopardwolf. Infinity laughed mentally when she remembered how she chose Leopardthroat’s name. Leopardwolf had been walking by and Leopardthroat had asked Infinity if he was his father. So came the prefix Leopard. It sure made Speckle uncomfortable to call Leopardwolf over in case Leopardthroat came running as well. Speckle got up and said something to his Beta.

“I want him found and tracked down! I don’t care how long it takes. Find him and the female wolf he was with!” Speckle growled before stalking off. Leopardwolf sighed and turned to Infinity.

“Taleswapper ran off with a female wolf. Iridis saw him. Apparently Taleswapper found himself a mate.” Leopardwolf explained.

“Ah. I’m going to go talk to Iridis. This isn’t good.” She said before turning to her pup. “Go back with your siblings. I’ll be back soon. I need to go talk to someone.” Leopardthroat nodded before running to the nursery. Infinity stalked over to Iridis. This was a serious matter. All of the sudden Infinity felt puppy fur brush her foreleg.

“What are you doing?” Lakefeather asked. Infinity looked at her.

“What does it look like?” Infinity asked the curious pup. Lakefeather shrugged and walked over to Foxdawn. Infinity sighed. It was rare when ever Lakefeather talked to her. Lakefeather had dangerous ambitions to become Alpha. Without another Alpha at her side. Infinity met up with Iridis.

“What’s this I hear about Taleswapper?” She asked sweetly. Iridis swung around his eyes wide in fear. Infinity berated herself. Both Alphas coming up to him in one day. No wonder he looked so scared. Echo or Luna would have known what to do. Infinity snuck a look at Jace. Both her siblings had died shortly after her parents. There were so many deaths in the pack. She turned back to Iridis.

“I’m not going to hurt you or anything. It’s just that I’m the alpha and I’d like to know more about wolves in my pack. Like why Taleswapper ran away. And why are the Betas staying in a crowd. Things like that.” Infinity tried to explain, but Iridis’s tail still went between his legs. Infinity sighed and left him alone. She would talk to Jace later. She most likely knew. She saw Jace press themself against Mina. Infinity smiled. It wasn’t a secret that Jace and Mina loved each other. Sky came tumbling out with all her pups crowding around her. Like Infinity and Grace, Sky had three pups. One of her pups had been challenging Speckle and kept trying which is why Sky NEVER left her pups alone with Infinity and Speckle. Dusk ran away from her mother and over to Cast.

“HI. WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY?!?!?!?!?!?!” Cast flattened her ears as Dusk yelled.

“How about not getting me deaf?” Cast muttered and she walked into the nursery. Sky ran over to pick Dusk up just as another one of her pups ran over to Speckle and the other just stayed put. Sky had an exasperated look on her face. Infinity ran over and picked up the one running to Speckle. Sky flicked her tail in a thank you, and walked over to the nursery. Infinity went to the pup staying put and put her tail on its shoulders, still holding the “alpha pup”. She heard what Sky said.

“Please watch them Tigerheart! They’re being a pain!” Sky begged. She heard Tigerheart growl but respond.

“I’ll watch them for now!” Tigerheart snarled. Infinity made a mental note to have Speckle go talk to Tigerheart later.  Sky came back out and licked Infinity’s forehead.

“Thank you so much, love.” Sky cooed to Infinity. When Infinity first came to the pack, Sky had been her foster mother. The affection still hadn’t quite worn off. But Infinity didn’t mind.Infinity nodded and walked out of camp. She loved her pack, yes. But all the wolves crowding around was stifling. She found her mate out there staring hard at the stream. She walked up to him carefully.

“Is something wrong?” Infinity asked quietly. Speckle jerked his head up to her.

“It’s too small in there. I think we need to give over some wolves or just make the dens bigger… Ugh. I don’t even know. I wish Gryphon or Alarick were here!” Speckle growled. Infinity sympathized.
“We could always expand the camp. To make more room. Then we could make the dens bigger. We could al-” Infinity got cut off by Speckle.

“Enough. Just… enough. I have enough on my plate. You saying EXACTLY what our Betas said is driving me nuts! I’m just one wolf!” Speckle stormed off. Infinity looked at her paws. She hated it when Speckle was angry with her. She felt a tongue lick her muzzle. When she looked at where it came from, it was her pups. She laughed and licked all of them on the head.

“Don’t fear Mother. Everything will turn out.” Shadepounce said. Doenight licked her muzzle and then Leopardthroat. Next thing Infinity knew her pups had pounced on her and she was being licked over and over again. She playfully growled at them and they barked at her. Infinity made another mental note to spend the rest of the day tomorrow. Speckle came trotting out with Lakefeather and all the other wolves except the queens and her. She snarled in Speckle’s ear as he passed by her.

“You will regret this tomorrow.” She threatened, her lips curled. Speckle tossed his head and the hunting patrol passed them. When Mina and Jace passed Infinity they stopped and stayed behind.

“Speckle’s planning to go after Taleswapper on the hunting patrol. He’s going to find him and drag him back so he can kill him in front of the pack.” Jace told her quickly before running off with the patrol again. Infinity stayed put. She couldn’t believe it. Speckle was going to attack Taleswapper just for following his heart. She prayed for Taleswapper’s sake that Speckle never found him.
“W-Why w-w-would Speckle d-d-do that t-to Taleswapper Mother?” Doenight stuttered. Infinity stared at her pups in alarm. She hadn’t meant to let them hear that. She herded her pups into the nursery and spun to face the queens.

“Speckle’s going to attack Taleswapper. Keep all the pups in here!” She whispered urgently before running to catch up with the patrol. She grabbed Lakefeather by Lakefeather’s scruff.

“Don’t take pups on this stupid mission with you, you monster!” Infinity snarled at Speckle again, before running back to camp. Tigerheart was running around calling Lakefeather’s name. Tigerheart breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Lakefeather in Infinity’s mouth. She grabbed Lakefeather and dragged her to the nursery, squeezing in after. Infinity grabbed Sky and Silver.

‘Take care of all the pups.” She ordered Foxdawn and Tigerheart. She brought the ferocious queens to the entrance with her.

“If they come back with Taleswapper, don’t let them enter.” She barked. There was going to be no death tonight. And if Speckle attacked her. At least it wouldn’t be Taleswapper. They were NOT going to let Speckle destroy the pack one by one.

Speckle returned late at night. The queens searched through the pack but there was no Taleswapper. Infinity breathed a sigh of relief. She nodded to Sky and Silver and they ran back to the nursery. She stood to the side of the entrance and watched the wolves pass through. Speckle came in last with his head held proud, but Infinity could see through that.

“Are you okay?” Infinity asked. Speckle shook his head and walked into his den. Infinity watched him, and laid down in the middle of the camp. Speckle came out his fur groomed to perfection and every wolf slid out of their dens including the queens. Infinity could hear the squealing of playful pups. Speckle sat down and Infinity joined him.

“Tonight is the full moon! We honor our dead and feast!” Speckle called out. All the wolves looked at the moon.

“We ask that the dead grant us another plentiful month, and forgive us for not being able to save them. Let the relatives call out the dead’s name!” Speckle nodded to hs betas first. Leopardwolf raised his head and called out the name of his mother.

“Sieara!” Jace followed soon after.

“Gryphon! Luna! Shame! Kodak!” She called.

“Alarick! Echo!” Foxdawn yelled, her voice cracking with emotion.

“Whistle!” Slide and Tigerheart cried. Both wolves broke down and laid next to each other. At last Iridis called out his father’s name.

“Max!” He cried out. Leopard howled mournfully because his mother was Max’s half-sister. Iridis curved his head as his forehead met with Leopardwolf. All the mourners curved their heads, and the wolves who didn’t lose loved ones bent their head. After a few moments Speckle raised his head once more.

“We thank our ancestors for giving us a bountiful meal!” Speckle called and two Omegas brought a few deer, rabbits, and squirrels. They each took a bite by rank and every wolf got to take three bites when at last both Speckle and Infinity finished off the meat. Soon after everyone had finished grooming, Speckle threw his head back and let out a deep throaty howl. Infinity joined in. Then the Betas, Queens, Omegas, and from inside the nursery the pups joined in. The whole pack had joined the howl. It sounded like music with the deep howls, the howls in the middle, and the high pitch of the pup’s howls. The pack howled until there was no more air left in the wolves lungs. What the pack didn’t notice is somewhere far far far away, Taleswapper howled for his old pack.

Infinity woke up in the morning and padded out of the nursery to stretch and get a drink. She met Speckle by the stream that ran along one side of the camp.

“I’m sorry about yesterday, Infinity.” Speckle said before turning to her. Infinity nodded and lapped up some water. Speckle turned back to the stream. Infinity pressed herself up against her mate.

“I love you, and I always will.” She whispered in his . ear before walking away. Her sons and daughter tumbled out to meet her and she rolled over on her back and her pups pounced on her. Mina laughed as she walked by, carefully avoiding Hope. Doenight sat down on Infinity’s chest.

“I have conquered this mountain!” She yipped.

“Not for long!” Shadepounce bowled into her. Leopardthroat laughed and climbed on Infinity.

“You have left your territory deserted and the great and powerful Leopardthroat has conquered it from both evil tyrants!” Leopardthroat called. Infinity flipped over and stood up.

“I doubt that you can climb this mountain!” She called as she started to run around. Her pups giggled in delight and chased her, throwing threats at “the mountain”. Infinity circled back around and started to chase her pups. More pups started to race out of the nursery, joining the game. Dusk, Cast, Doenight, Lakefeather, Atara, and Grace’s unnamed daughter raced one way so Infinity went the other way, only to run into Shadepounce, Leopardthroat, and both of Sky’s sons. All ten pups jumped on her, trapping her to the ground.

“With teamwork, we have all conquered the mountain!” One of Sky’s sons called. “I am the alpha male and Lakefeather is the alpha female!” Infinity laughed and wiggled away. Tigerheart, Sky, Silver, Grace, and Foxdawn ran out to back her up. All the pups laughed.

“There are more mountains to conquer!” The pups squealed in delight and all the pups and queens raced around. The Omegas joined the pups side and the Betas joined the Queen’s side. Speckle joined both sides and the pack ran around playing Mountain. By the end the day every wolf was exhausted. All the pups tackled their parents and friends laughing, and the grown wolves growled playfully before going in their dens to groom the grit and dirt out of their fur. Shadepounce, Doenight, and Leopardthroat ran over and thanked her.

“Thank you so much for playing with us Mother!” The other pups barked in agreement. Infinity laughed again.

“My pleasure!” She barked before going to her mates den. Speckle looked at her and pounced on her, his nose twitching in laughter. She pushed him off of her.

“Get off you big lump!” She playfully growled. Speckle chuckled and let her get up. She licked his muzzle. There was still excitement in his eyes.

“That was the most fun I’ve had in forever!” He barked. Infinity nestled her nose in his fur.

He was right. That was the most fun in forever. But Infinity felt off. While everyone was playing there was only one wolf that didn’t join in. She walked up to Otterblaze, who was sitting in the clearing staring out of the camp.

“Are you okay Otterblaze?” Infinity asked quietly. Otterblaze didn’t say anything. He just kept staring out of the camp silently. Infinity stood up and licked his ear before walking off. She went to her pups.

“Is everything okay with Otterblaze?” She asked them. Doenight stared at her paws, Shadepounce stared at the sky, and Leopardthroat stared at the ground. Infinity sat down.

“What’s going on?” She inquired. Leopardthroat ran to the nursery, whining with Doenight behind him. She stared at her oldest pup. Shadepounce stared into Infinity’s eyes.

“Um… after the full moon ceremony… Otterblaze walked out of the nursery. When Doenight followed him… since she had darker fur y’know… she said he was quietly calling out names to the moon. We confronted him after yesterday and… he…” Sahdepounce paused and then broke, running after his siblings. Infinity sat there for a little bit. He was calling names to the moon. Which means he was calling for dead relatives. Infinity walked over to Speckle, with and idea in her brain.  One for all the pups.

“Speckle?” She called before entering the den. Speckle looked up.

“Yes?” He murmured. Infinity sat down.

“It’s come to my attention that the pups are… bored. What if we had a daycare thing. Each day the queens can send the pups, that they choose of course, to the daycare and a wolf can watch it. This way the pups aren’t under our paws. Also the pups could see pack life more, for when they get their ranks. Just an idea.” Infinity spoke. Speckle tilted his head, thinking about it.

“It sounds like a great idea Infinity. But I can’t spare any Omegas or Betas for this. I’m very sorry.” Speckle replied. Infinity scratched behind her ear.

“I could run it. It would give me a chance to spend more time with Shadepounce, Doenight, and Leopardthroat.” Infinity declared. Speckle nodded, giving her his approval. Infinity licked his cheek and trotted out. She couldn’t wait to tell her pups. After eating, Infinity reconvened with the queens. When she told them about her idea, everyone was ecstatic. Everyone except Sky.

“My pups are crazy. No wolf will want to watch them. Not even you Infinity!” Sky whimpered. Infinity nosed Sky’s head up.

“If you want then, you can help me.” Infinity planned. Sky nodded immediately after. It was settled.

Infinity settled down to sleep, excited for her idea to come to life.


When the sun came up, Infinity jumped up. Her pups squealed in protest and went back to sleep. She raced out, her tail wagging in excitement. This would be the first time the daycare would start. Speckle cantered to the middle and stretched, after acknowledging her with a nod. Infinity nodded back to him and Speckle let out a howl, calling for a pack meeting. One by one the wolves walked out of their dens.

“Your alpha female has found a solution to the pups underfoot,” Speckle began when all the wolves had gathered. Some wolves barked in agreement. “So we will have a daycare. We will need to build a big enough secluded area to have the pups to be watched and played with in.” Speckle finished. The Omegas went to go grab branches and the Betas search for a spot. The pups toppled out excitedly with the queens. Shadepounce shambled over to Infinity.

“Please ignore what I told you about Otterblaze. I was lying so you wouldn’t keep asking us.” Shadepounce yipped. Infinity whirled to face him.

“What? You should never lie Shadepounce!” Infinity snapped. “I’m worried about Otterblaze. Something that series is wrong!” Shadepounce crouched with his tail between his legs. “Tell Sky you won’t be in the daycare. I’m going to ask Foxdawn if she can watch you.” Shadepounce gaped at her before stomping off to Sky. Infinity sighed. Having pups and making sure everything was fair, is hard. Sky came wandering over.

“Um… I was thinking… since it’s the first day and all… what if… all pups were allowed to be here… just asking…” Sky rambled. Infinity sighed. Is this what being alpha meant? Having wolves and yourself question every decision you make? Infinity just nodded and went to go apologize to Shadepounce.

Infinity ran over to Sky after apologizing to Shadepounce.

“I’m so sorry, but do you think you could get Foxdawn to watch the pups with you right now. I need some fresh air.” Infinity gulped. Sky nodded sympathetically and walked over to tell Foxdawn. Infinity leaped out of the camp. She inhaled the air as calmly as she could. It hurt being a mother and an alpha. She licked her chest fur a couple of times. She felt a paw swipe at her foreleg. Infinity looked to see where the paw came from and saw one of Sky’s sons, Fernspots.
“Hello Fernspots. Aren’t you supposed to be with your mother?” Infinity quizzed. Fernspots rolled his eyes.
“Mother is always smothering us. I wanted a chance to be alone without her lingering behind me every second. Surely you can understand. She was your foster mother.” Fernspots groaned. It was true. Infinity did sympathize. Sky did seem to mother her pups a bit too much. But granted she had a reason. Her pups did have a tendency to “wander” off. Infinity stood up.
“C’mon. This is the first day of the daycare.” Infinity murmured. Both her and Fernspots, reluctantly for Fernspots, went back to the camp. Sky came running over, her fur bristling.

“Fernspots! I’m SO sorry Infinity!” Sky cried as she licked Fernspot’s ear carefully. Infinity sat down.

“It’s no problem. Seriously.” Infinity soothed Sky.

Everyone in the pack was always so jumpy. Will it be this way?






Okay everyone… I know this took a super long time but…. I’ve been busy. So… yeah.

Searching In The Dark

The lights have turned out

I’m fumbling around

Searching for what I may not even know

What am I waiting for?

My hands reach out

For something hidden

It’s in the dark

But where should I go?

What am I even waiting for?

I’ve memorized the layout

I’ve memorized every path

It’s dark but I know how to see

But do I wish to?

Do I wish to be heard?

Do I wish to be known?


I do.

But where is the switch that I use to light it up

Pulling it up and down will make the biggest difference

It’s a miracle we even have light

We take it for granted

Maybe we should just appreciate the little things in life


So… this is late… But a little more than a month ago I had my birthday! So… officially I am a year older. Yay?



So… getting older… It’s a weird thing. I think it mainly appears on perspective. For some people it’s this terrible thing, for others it’s part of life, and for other people (like Adeline. If you don’t know Age Of Adeline YOU MUST SEE IT! IT’S AMAZING!) it’s beautiful and natural.


It’s not like I gained more knowledge as I became older or anything, but…. I think it’s a part of life. Unless someone magically (or scientifically) finds a way to slow down aging… I would probably take it. And no. It’s not that I want to remain young and pretty (I honestly don’t think myself “pretty”) it would be so I don’t miss the whole “flying cars” thing and the rest that the future holds.

Think about it… how awesome would it be to have been alive since like… horses and buggies to flying cars or teleportation! That would be EPIC!


But back to the original topic… Aging. (I suppose I could make a “Let’s Talk” about this… But I’m not going to because I’m lazy! XD) It can be a sensitive topic. But everything just leads back to the same thing. The fear, or not fear, of getting old. My question is (post your answer in the comments) why are people so scared of getting old? If not, why would they be scared? What is so beautiful about aging, or staying young?

Seriously, I have NO idea…


Look within the spirit inside

It hides and doesn’t want to hide

But we search for everything we do

Knowing what we are but not who

I could go looking

Outside my home

Or perhaps I could go looking inside of Rome

Or maybe outside quiet in there

Sometimes we need to do what we don’t want to

So we might be looking in the wrong place

We shouldn’t be looking outside our homes

We shouldn’t be looking neither in Rome

We should be looking quite more deeper

We should be looking more inside

We  should be looking at our family

we should be looking at our culture

We should be looking inside our home

It doesn’t matter our goal

We should be looking where we come from

We should be looking at ourselves

Not the blame we place on someone

Not the hate we pin on each other

Not the discrimination we places on races

Not the stereotypes we lay on Culture

We should be looking inside

For who we are

And who we will become!

Long Time No See

Oh wow. I haven’t really been on here for the longest time. But life has been life, with school and everything.


Sam is going nuts because my mom’s home from work.

Ouch! Just stepped on one of Percy’s toys. Dogs… gotta love them.

But something I realized is that dogs are literally perfect.

Sure you have to train them, but they are. Let me explain.

  1. Loyalty. Dog will be loyal to their humans… forever. It’s one of the things we humans lack sometimes.
  2.  Love. Okay Okay. Humans can have this too. But do humans love each other to no end? Don’t know danger because all they want is to protect? Just stare and memorize every exact detail so they never forget? Come running over to the person they love like the world was going to end but then they came? Writing this now I realize I could write a poem about love… Anyway… I know everyone who’s married or dating would say yes. But we can’t really understand how much dogs love us. Granted the dog’s brain lights up where our brains light up when we see someone we deeply love with.  But will that person sacrifice themselves just because they don’t want you to feel like you need to do it? That’s what a dog’s love means. Any dog lover would agree.
  3. Playfulness. As humans age they get less playful, because of getting tired out or breathless. Dogs can get to where they would be eighty in dog years yet will sometimes still play like a puppy. I think everyone will agree with me when I say that no human can have a dogs playfulness through their entire life. (Percy is running around in a circle like a madman while Sam is just moving across the room to come face-to-face with Percy which sets him off in the other direction, ect.)
  4.  Last but not least… Adorable. Sure babies are a rival for this… but are babies like adorable furry pillows? I don’t think so. Are all babies adorable their entire lives? Some, but not all. (I mean no offense to anyone.) However dog lovers never get tired of looking at their dog. Maybe we do understand part of a dog’s love.



It’s how we love them back.


You know, A dog can snap you out of any bad mood you’re in faster than you can think of.

~ Jill Abramson





Before I start on this blog I want to say something.

My cat, Iggy, died in 2017 during winter. I had known him all my life. The morning he died I was petting him crying. Overnight his soul had really left his body. I had told him I wanted to be there when he died. His body was hanging on to life. That morning my parents came up and got me and told me Iggy was still alive but was like a shell of what he once was. I begged them to let me say goodbye. They, with much arguing, let me. My mother took me down and showed me my beloved cat. He was cold and his eyes were glazed. I couldn’t believe this was the adorable playful Iggy I had grown to love more than many things. Tears had begun to run down my face. I felt hollow inside. Every now and then he would take a gasping breath. I asked my mother if she could leave me with him, and she left with a hug and kiss. I leaned my head down asking for forgiveness for ignoring him and pushing him away. My tears soaked his dirty fur. His heartbeat was faint and I told him it was okay. He could leave. He didn’t need to wait. I don’t know when he left but when I checked for his heartbeat again, it was gone. I ran upstairs telling my parents Iggy had just died. I broke that day.

I don’t think I recovered from that. My first friend had just died in my arms. I don’t think I’m still fully recovered. Recovering from something like that is like building a bridge. It takes a while and even after that the hole is built over. Even having Percy doesn’t quite fill the void that was made after my cat died.

My parents let me stay home from school and asked if I wanted to come to cremate Iggy. I shook my head. That wasn’t Iggy. That was his shell. I brought down one of my baby blankets to be burned with him. My parents let Sam sniff Iggy for him to realize Iggy was gone. Even Sam couldn’t find a good reason to wag his tail that day. I went on my email to tell my friends what happened. They made me laugh. My parents sent my brother to school and let me stay. I cried and cried. I felt as if my organs had been ripped from me. The pain wasn’t the problem, but the emptiness. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I regretted each time I pushed him away. Each time I had ignored his meows for food. Each time I got mad at him for going to the bathroom out of his litter box. I wanted to hear his annoying meows again to wake me up. It hit me then. I would never hear him. I would never see him. I would never pet him.

I’m writing this and I feel like crying. Dang it. Now I am.

I will love Iggy forever. A wise person once said “Grief is just love with no where to go.” I felt that. All the love I had for Iggy was trapped inside until it hurt. I loved my family so much closer. I wanted to be near them. Regretting not going with them to the store. What if that was the last time I saw them? I would regret and hate myself again. I hated myself for pushing Iggy away. What would it be like if I didn’t say “I love you” to my parents before they left and then they never returned? What if, What if, What if? I asked myself these questions all day. I wanted to refuse all food, wanting to just lay there, tears staining my sheets.

There are days where I still want to do that. Usually days where Iggy would be sunning himself, The sun glinting off his fur, his green eyes staring at you.

The thing about grief is that it feels as if you’re drowning in sorrow. I’m sure if my family knew I was writing this, they would’ve taken me to the hospitable. I don’t blame them. I promise you Imma and Abba, I no longer feel this way about anything. I was broken after my cat died, he really was like an older brother. I still miss him, but instead of focusing on the bad things I focus on the good memories of him. Like the memory of me picking him up so much he hissed at me. Ah… Good times.

I’m serious. If anyone starts feeling they way this blog made you feel, get help. Talk to your family. Get a therapist. These thoughts can turn dark and and lead to depression. Anyone if you see a person that is smiling but doesn’t look okay or has a history of being depressed and you see it again, talk to them. Help them. They may not always reach out. So please reach out for them. Talk to them, hang out with them. As I was writing this blog I was shocked I didn’t reach out.




Sit on my lap dear child

Look there

Do you see them

No grandfather, I don’t see them

Look closer child

They were promised a new life

One that they would be happy

So there they stood

Along the edge of the water

Waiting and waiting for a ship never to come

Delight and happiness they called the ship

Yet years went by

Delight and happiness never arrived

And look again dear child, they’re still there


What does that teach you

To stand for something you believe in

No, good but no. Never lose hope child

Did you listen?